
Emotional validation is the process of viewing another’s feelings as understandable and worthy.
When we feel emotionally validated, we are able to cope better with challenging situations and move forwards more smoothly. It’s harder to move on if your emotions are invalidated, ignored or dismissed.
In Chinese Medicine, the act of holding onto emotions leads to Qi (energy) stagnation which can cause the diagnosis Liver Qi Stagnation and physical and emotional blockages in the fertility organs.
Symptoms of Qi stagnation due to holding onto feelings are:
Headaches
Mood changes
Frustration
Emotional pre period
Bloating
Constipation
Our experiences of emotional validation or invalidation start in childhood. This is why inner child healing is crucial for a positive outcome in a fertility journey.
The Role of the Sacral Chakra
The sacral chakra holds the fertility organs, such as the uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix, vagina, eggs and ovaries.
The emotions of this chakra relate to self esteem, self worth and confidence, especially in relationships and the role of parents.
Our earliest views of parenthood and relationships come from our own childhoods.
This is why inner child work is so important in a fertility journey. Because the sacral chakra always pertains to inner child healing and the sacral chakra is always out of balance when there are fertility problems.
If you experienced a difficult childhood, it might affect your self-esteem, trust and self belief which all play a part in healing the sacral chakra and fertility organs. However, many fertility patients also had happy childhoods.
How might loving and well meaning parents have affected your emotional expression?
The main indicator that shows up repeatedly with fertility patients is anxiety.
All patients with anxiety or overthinking patterning have learned this as a coping mechanism when it’s been difficult to express emotions in other ways.
For example, consider how your emotional behaviours were approached in your childhood?
Here are a few common caregiver styles. This could have been from a parent, family member or even a teacher:
Fixer
Controller
Permissive
Responsive
Fixer
Fixer type parents, caregivers or teachers, are often sensitive, kind and loving but feel uncomfortable with a child expressing emotion, because they want to ‘make it better’ as quickly as possible. They are often empathetic and caring but sometimes overly so. They distract the child whenever they cry or express emotional pain which ultimately prevents the young person from fully experiencing or releasing the emotion. The caregiver finds a solution to take their mind off the difficult situation.
To a child: “It’s ok, I’ll buy you a new toy.”
"Don't worry, we'll find you some new friends."
If you experienced this as a child:
In adulthood, you may have anxiety or overthinking patterns. You may find it hard to trust your body or sit with your emotions and look to control external circumstances as much as possible in an effort to compensate.
Controller
This parenting type is uncomfortable with emotion because they associate it with weakness or because they feel out of control when their child cries. They may shout when overwhelmed and relate punishment or shame to emotional outbursts.
“Stop crying or we’ll have to go home.”
“Your sister isn’t crying, it can’t be that bad.”
If you experienced this as a child:
In adulthood, you may have anxiety or feel guilt and shame related to the fertility journey. You may have lower self esteem and struggle to see the point of continuing when things go wrong.
Permissive
This style of parenting lacks boundaries. There are rarely consequences for behaviour, they allow most behaviours, generally out of a kind and easy going nature. However in this case, often sibling arguments and subsequent emotions are ignored and there is no learning involved in the situation, the child feels as though their emotions are dismissed.
Child is physically hurt:
“You’re fine, up you get.”
Sibling argument: “Can you sort it out yourselves, I’ve got to....”
If you experienced this as a child:
In adulthood, you may feel inadequate or have deficiency diagnoses in Chinese medicine, for example Kidney deficiency. You may also have throat chakra imbalances due to feeling unheard, dismissed and ignored. This sometimes manifests as immune system issues.
Responsive
This parenting style is closely linked to gentle parenting or Buddhist parenting whereby parents listen to their children, allow space for emotional expression, validate all emotions, encourage mindfulness and teach methods to cope with emotions, teaching fair consequences that align with the action. Responsive parenting involves exploring the emotion, rather than the ‘bad behaviour.’ All emotions are welcome, whilst positive methods to express them are encouraged.
“It’s ok to feel angry, I’m here for you.”
“I can see you feel sad right now. It can make us sad when things that we like break. Do you want to talk about it?” Doesn’t offer to buy a new toy.
“I’m going to take a minute to share my calm with you.”
“Mummy can see that you’re both upset. Benji you seem upset because you got hit and that really hurts. Jordan you seem frustrated because your feelings were hurt. Did Mummy get it right? Can you help me to understand more?”
If you experienced this as a child:
In adulthood, you may already be a leader in helping children to feel validated and heard and important.
This is not meant to be judgemental. It's difficult to undertake responsive parenting all of the time. I make plenty of mistakes as a parent, I'm continually learning.
The important message being that even for those of you who had healthy and happy childhoods, there may still have been an element where you could have been listened to more and you could benefit from validating your emotions now as an adult.
The more you recognise patterns from your own childhood, the more effective your sacral chakra healing and inner child healing becomes. You can choose which type of parenting style you want to embody, but you begin to choose this from a healed, reflective place rather than operating from a default stress response passed down through family patterns.
So were you emotionally validated as a child? And are you emotionally validated in your life now?
Consider the following questions:
Did you have one or more caregivers who were fixers, controllers or permissive?
How do you approach your own emotional expression?
What type of parenting style would you like to practise with your children?
The Importance of Emotional Validation in Adulthood:
As an adult, on this challenging fertility journey, have you ever felt dismissed, ignored, criticised, punished or shamed?
Every trigger is a mirror. Remember every time someone dismissed the intricacies of your struggles with, “just relax and it’ll happen” or a doctor told you to lose weight, triggering you to feel shame about your body, or you were visibly emotional and someone close to you let you cry alone.
If you are being ignored, you are being spiritually taught to listen to yourself.
If you are feel guilt or shame, you are being spiritually taught to love yourself and tell yourself that you matter.
There is always a lesson.
Validate yourself. Listen to yourself. Love yourself. Then you can bring this energy to making your child feel important, listened to and special.
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